Prose Critique #22

Unique word choice enhances voice

Welcome to Prose Critique, in which I critique an excerpt for grammar and style. Style is subjective, so my notes won’t resonate with everyone, but I hope that they’ll help writers learn how to focus their writing to convey meaning in the boldest, clearest, most interesting way possible.

In this excerpt from “The Undertaker of Trap Street” by Larry Denninger, Beatrice and Donna make amends just before the train they’re riding explodes. My notes focus on word choice, with a goal of preserving Larry’s unique voice while adding clarity and impact to his sentences.

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As they boarded, a bell chimed, followed by an androgynous voice:¹ “Please stay clear of the doors.” Beatrice nearly remarked, I’d rather stay clear of the whole bloody train.

A chill rustled through her, akin to naked anticipation before plunging into icy waters.² She shivered, and apprehension settled into the cracks between trust and hope. She thumbed the engravement engraving on the pocketed lighter—one last cigarette?

Donna led her to seats at the nose of the car. Her hand³ felt steady and immortal, like Dover’s cliffs. Its unusual warmth soothed her.

Until the doors wheezed shut with a reposing sigh.⁴ They sat, giving Beatrice a clear view of the platform clock: 8:47. She gazed at each fellow passenger, six total: four nose-deep in newspapers, a reader lost in The Da Vinci Code, and a tourist who struggled struggling to interpret a London tube guide. In less than two minutes, they, Donna—and herself?—will die.

And I can’t prevent it.

“I didn’t sleep a wink last night,” Donna said, her voice low, earnest, her eyes abruptly dewy. “Tossing, turning, sobbing, racking my brain to find the right words to say to you, a proper apology.”

“And did you find them?”

She nodded. “The train home, I told myself countless excuses. ‘Oh, it’s only a fling,’ or ‘C’mon, everyone cheats a little.’ The usual denials selfish people tell themselves rather than taking blame. You caught us in fragrente dilecto, and I’m the one who’s offen…Oi, what’s the joke?”

Beatrice had unsuccessfully stifled a laugh. “It’s ‘in flagrante delicto.’”

Donna gave a half-eyeroll.⁵ “Whatever. I’m a London lass. I give zero tosses about speaking proper French.”

Again she chuckled. “Or Latin. You failed both, remember?”

“I failed at most things, it seems.”

Beatrice patted her hand. “Donna. You only need to say I’m sorry.”

The train glissaded⁶ into the tunnel. The humor in their shared smiles commuted⁷ into wistfulness, and Donna flung herself around Beatrice’s neck, shaking with primal sobs.

Beatrice tenderly embraced her.

“Oh Bea, I’m so sorry! The hurt I caused you. I was so wrong, and though I can’t ever make it up, believe me, I would’ve, somehow, no matter how long it would’ve taken.”

She pulled back, swiping away tears. Beatrice cupped her face with both hands, as if to say, I know.

Donna forced a smile. “I’ve measured out my life in murmurs and sighs. Yet here you are.”

“Yes, here I am. And I forgive you. I have forgiven you, and I will forgive you. I’ve lit candles in your name because I’ve never, ever forgotten you.”

Donna’s expression coalesced into joy, sorrow, and consolation. Wide-eyed, Beatrice watched as a seraphic radiance emerged from Donna’s tear-filled eyes, diffusing across her face.⁸

No—she reflected this light, its source unknown, bathing them in what she knew,⁹ intrinsically, was peace.

Then, an explosion, and a cacophony of twisting metal and splintering glass. The car bucked and careened. Thick smoke suddenly encompassed them.

Yet light persisted, even as darkness overcame her.

1. “followed by an androgynous voice” I think this construction technically means that the voice also chimed. It might be clearer to write “and then an androgynous voice said” but I’m probably being too picky.

2. “icy waters” Does this repeat the idea of “a chill”? It seems like the second half of the sentence isn’t adding much to the first half.

3. “Her hand” First of all, this simile is amazing. I wonder if you want to tell us where the hand is? (On the narrator’s arm? Back?) That might also help us understand that you’re referring to Donna’s hand and not the narrator’s.

4. “wheezed shut with a reposing sigh.” The wheeze and the sigh are competing with each other a bit. I might cut the word “wheezed.”

5. “half-eyeroll” I don’t think I know what this means, but I support your instinct to use unique phrasing!

6. “glissaded” I think this word implies a steep downward trajectory, but if you’re trying to give the reader the sense that the train is taking a metaphorical dive (perhaps to underscore the idea that they will all die soon?), maybe it works? Otherwise, I think “glided” probably makes more sense.

7. “commuted” Again, not completely sure if this word gives me the idea you’re hoping to impart.

8. “radiance emerged from Donna’s tear-filled eyes, diffusing across her face” This might be too many verbs. I’m not sure that “radiance” can “emerge” from eyes, or that it can “diffuse.” Maybe “light radiated from… eyes, diffusing”?

9. “she knew” I’m not sure if “she” refers to Donna or Beatrice.