Prose Critique #34

Do your descriptions match the mood of your scene?

Welcome to Prose Critique, in which I critique a volunteer’s excerpt for grammar and style. My goal is to help writers learn to convey meaning in the boldest, clearest, most interesting way possible.

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In this excerpt from Fugue State, a psychological thriller by James Osborn, a man named Jack starts his final shift at a nursing ward. My notes focus on avoiding passive construction and choosing details that invoke mood. I’ve also marked places where commas should be added to increase clarity.

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The aged single[-]decker staff¹ bus always struggled to cope as it hit the long hill leading to the hospital. It was making it today but only just. Jack had been woken by the vibration as the bus changed down several gears. He rubbed his eyes, then swept his hands over his head to try to tame his brown long curly hair² which[,] despite a [recent] haircut[,] still reached his shoulders. It was 6.45 a.m. ‘Earlies[,]’ as they were called[,] were not his thing.

He wasn’t even sure if nursing was his thing[,] but it was the best plan he had right now. This was his last shift on the male admission ward[,] and after a long weekend off he would move to Blagdon Villa[,] where he hoped to get more involved in therapeutic work. As the bus swung through the hospital gates, he wondered what dramas the shift would bring. Already there was a police car³ [sat] parked at the entrance to C1.

He retrieved his uniform from his locker in the staff room and strode quickly towards the nurses[’] office to hear the handover. Ben Diaz[,] the Sri Lankan charge nurse[,] stopped him in the corridor. “The police are in the review room with a fellow they picked up in a café by the floating harbour. Can you wait with them till we get the duty doctor to come? Give them⁴ a nice cup of tea and don’t forget the biscuits. A little bit of sugar always helps to calm people down. The man doesn’t know who he is. No name and is quite confused[,] so make sure he stays put. Looks like he’ll need admission. He doesn’t seem psychotic. Maybe a hysterical conversion? That’s my unofficial diagnosis. Maybe faking it. Who knows?”⁵

Jack liked being trusted with responsibilities, particularly as he had spent his later adolescence enjoying very few.⁶ He fetched the refreshments and gently kicked the closed door⁷ of the review room. The younger of the police officers opened it. There was a [A] large mahogany desk [sat] in the centre of the room around which [surrounded by] 16 [sixteen]⁸ matching dining chairs[,] were arranged unsymmetrically again.⁹ It was a large room well lit with a neglected decor.¹⁰ A light brown carpet patterned with tea stains. Large windows but no curtains, either to protect against suicide risk or because they had got lost in the laundry room. On the far wall hung a fading photographic portrait of Sir George Oakley[,] the architect who had designed the hospital in 1934.

Jack poured out the tea,[.] the [The] police officers having [took] milk and two sugars[,] while the man just quietly picked up his cup of black tea and snatched a couple of biscuits.

Jack sat down and looked at the dishevelled man.

“I’m Jack Henderson[,] a student nurse here.” It felt strange using his job title. Most of his friends were on the hippy spectrum.¹¹

1. “aged single decker staff” This might be too many adjectives in a row. You might convey “aged” by giving us a more descriptive phrase about how the bus “struggles to cope.”

2. “brown long curly hair” Using this many adjectives in a row can make a description feel over-stuffed. Also, it’s rare for a person to think about the color of his own hair.

3. “Already there was a police car” Passive voice constructions like “there was/were” lessen the immediacy of the prose. Thrillers especially need to feel sharp and punchy. If you don’t prefer my suggested fix, “a police car sat parked,” which is a little clunky, you might try an interesting verb like “hunkered” or whatever fits with the tone of the scene. You could also just try “Already a police car was parked,” which is still passive but reads a little better.

4. “them” Who does this refer to? The man picked up from the cafe and the police? Or just the man? If the latter, it’d be clearer to use “him.” If it’s the former, then I’m not clear on why the police need to be calmed with “a little bit of sugar.”

5. This is a long monologue. Without any beats of description, we’re left to picture two men standing still while one rattles off a lot of information. If you pause the monologue to describe Diaz’s emotional state or physical stance or some defining characteristic, we’ll enjoy getting to know the character more, and we’ll understand the tenor of the situation. It would also be great to get a sense of the dynamic between Jack and Diaz—are they friends, competitors, strangers? Do they have a history that would color the way this exchange unfolds? One or two phrases might convey to readers whether this is a tense situation, a funny one, or something else.

6. It’s great to get insight into Jack’s character. This feels a bit out of place because it’s a single sentence in the middle of a scene in which we don’t understand what’s at stake. We don’t have a sense of the emotion of the scene—is there anything to be worried about? Anything on Jack’s mind from last night? Would Jack really be thinking about how nice it is to be trusted with delivering tea? Would he be thinking about his adolescence in this moment?

7. “gently kicked the closed door” It’s hard to understand what’s happening here until you get to the next sentence. It’s there a clearer way of getting Jack through the door?

8. “16” Always spell out numbers under 100 in narration. (In dialog, always spell out numbers, no matter how high.)

9. “arranged unsymmetrically again” I’m not sure what you’re trying to convey here. That the room is always untidy? That is was recently untidy and it is again? Can you get your meaning across in a bolder way than by describing the arrangement of the chairs?

10. “It was a large room well lit with a neglected decor” I think you can show us this without telling us, and that would also help avoid the passive construction “It was…”

11. Would Jack really be thinking about his hippie friends while trying to talk to this man?