Prose Critique #23

When (and when not) to use a comma splice

Welcome to Prose Critique, in which I critique an excerpt for grammar and style. Style is subjective, so my notes won’t resonate with everyone, but I hope that they’ll help writers learn how to focus their writing to convey meaning in the boldest, clearest, most interesting way possible.

In this excerpt, a Greek slave named Iason is sent on an errand. My notes mostly focus on correcting comma splices (independent clauses incorrectly joined by a comma), though I also show that sometimes a comma splice can be effective, especially in dialog.

Iason reached under the lectus, grimacing at the rather squished…something. He thought it was some kind of meat?[.] It had obviously been stepped or even sat on at some time during the night. He used a rag to clean the floor under the large couch and then stood, stretching his back, he¹ was getting too tall for the job to be comfortable anymore.

He missed Iris, they² used to make a game of cleaning up after parties, but she’d been sold four years ago. He didn’t know who to but she had never accompanied her Master to one of the parties in the home. Though, why would she? She would be a household slave, not a personal one. Maybe she was cleaning up from a party right now too. That was nice to imagine, that they still had a link.

He straightened respectfully, bowing his head, as Master Titus walked in, looking around.

“Have you seen Father?” the boy asked.

“Not today, Master Titus,” he answered calmly.

The young Master nodded and left, off to look for his father elsewhere. He was somehow still a kind boy,³ the best liked of all of Masters’ family among the slaves. How was he able to be so different to [from] the rest of the family?

Finally, he was done cleaning the room and went to put the supplies away.

“You there!”

Only practice kept him from tensing in reaction to the call. “Yes, Mistress?” h[H]e⁴ kept his head down, eyes on the floor.

“Go to the Forum, you⁵ will find Gaius Aemilius and give him this,” she commanded, pressing a small bag into his hand. “Understand?”

“Yes Mistress,” he agreed and immediately left.

It wasn’t uncommon to be suddenly pulled aside to act as a messenger;⁶ despite having grown in the last few years, he was still very good at dodging and weaving through crowds.

He was less likely to be stepped on now that he was growing too. He wasn’t at all tempted to look inside the bag, he⁷ had no desire to risk punishment. He didn’t know who Gaius Aemilius was but he would be attended by slaves and there would be other slaves around whom he⁸ could ask. It might take some time[,] though, so⁹ much for having the afternoon free.

Given the time, he¹⁰ was likely attending one of the baths around the Forum. Mistress seemed sure he would be in or around the Forum and not[,] say, visiting the Emperor. The Aemilia may not be as powerful as they once were, but they were still of higher status than the Master. He knew they were trying to find a wife for Master Lucius, perhaps¹¹ this man had a daughter?

The second of the three baths were [was] where he found the man, he¹² knelt beside the water, holding out the bag. “My Mistress sent this to you sir.”

“And your Mistress is?” the man demanded, skin red from the steam and heat of the baths.

“Drusilla Tertia, sir.” He kept his head down.

1. “back, he” This is a comma splice. It would read better if you replaced the comma with a period.

2. “Iris, they” Comma splice. You might try a period instead.

3. “a kind boy” I wonder if there’s something you can add to Tertius’ dialog or action that supports the idea that he is “a kind boy”?

4. "he” An action is not a dialog tag, so treat it as its own sentence and capitalize the first letter.

5. “Forum, you” This is a comma splice, but I think it works here, because it indicates a hurried manner of speaking.

6. “uncommon to be suddenly pulled aside to act as a messenger” I’m guessing these clauses are joined by a semicolon because the final clause (“he was still very good at dodging”) explains the first clause (the reason he’s often used as a messenger). If that’s the case, it might be clearer to say “uncommon for the family to suddenly pull him aside…” so that we understand this is a situation unique to Iason and not something you’re trying to say about all Greek slaves.

7. “bag, he” Comma splice. The sentence might work better if you replace the comma with an em dash.

8. “he” I think this refers to Iason. If so, you might want to use Iason’s name here instead, since earlier in the sentence “he” seems to refer to Gaius Aemilius.

9. “though, so” Comma splice. You might either replace the comma with a period or an em dash.

10. “he” Since we’re switching back to talking about Gaius Aemilius, we might need to use his name or else an appositive, so that we know “he” doesn’t refer to Iason here.

11. “Lucius, perhaps” Comma splice. Maybe use a period here instead?

12. “man, he” Comma splice. You might try a period.