Prose Critique #21
Clarify setting when filtering it through the narrator's POV
Welcome to Prose Critique, in which I critique an excerpt for grammar and style. Style is subjective, so my notes won’t resonate with everyone, but I hope that they’ll help writers learn how to focus their writing to convey meaning in the boldest, clearest, most interesting way possible.
In this excerpt, the narrator is on her way to an art gallery when she receives a call from an old coworker asking if she’ll consider painting a mural at the dog hotel where the narrator used to work. My notes mostly focus on how to clarify the setting even while preserving the attitude of the narrator whose eyes we view details through. This excerpt has fun, unique details that help characterize the narrator and her world, and the goal is to keep those details even while adding clarifying phrases.
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I'm only going to the gallery to confirm it's not a prank. Paolo is known for shooting the world's most famous people. Any "fame" I have needs to fade as fast as a dog's interest in a squirrel scurrying up a tree.1
I text Josh the address where I'm meeting "Paolo Leonardo" in Chelsea. There needs to be evidence of the event.2
Someone in front of me is dragging one of those wheeled shopping bags New Yorkers use to roll over3 the inconvenience of shopping without a car. Instead of milk,4 a Pomeranian sticks their [its] head out of the bright green Whole Foods bag. The dog narrows their [its] eyes at me—as if weary [wary] of me and my new reputation. They [It] sticks their [its] tongue out.
I follow for a few blocks as the dog glides over the sidewalk. The dog's person5 stops at the stairs [that lead] up to the High Line. They S/he unloads the dog from the shopping bag and attaches it to a rhinestone-encrusted lead. The puff of a pup wags its tail and frolics to its person's ankles. They're [The dog is] over giving me attention.
There's no time to wander up with them. I cannot study Giulia Cenci's installation on the former train tracks.6 The piece, titled "secondary forest," is made from cast aluminum, steel, and ivy. The artist molded the aluminum and steel to look like dog and animal heads grew [are growing] from the branches of metal trees. One of the floating faces is leaning in to snuggle the snout of a dog whose face [has] sprouted from a tangle of roots and branches. Confirming whether more floating people and dogs are embracing would make me late.
My phone vibrates. It's not Josh. I haven't seen Samara for years—not since my parents lived in Riverbend. Not since I worked at her dog hotel. Samara and I exchanged a few texts wishing each other happy birthday. But only for a couple of birthdays. Samara appreciated learning about my adoption of Bernadette three years ago. That's the last we communicated.
I tell her I'm on my way to an event and ask if we can talk later. A taxi and a truck have a honking competition over the first few words of her response.
Samara carries on. "This is going to sound a bit cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, but would you consider coming back to Once Upon a Dog? Only for a little bit. How long would it take for you to make another [mural]? Like you did for Napoleon? I'm having an event at the end of the summer. Think your work would be a perfect little something to commemorate the occasion."
"The mural is still there?"7
"What? You're so talented! What a ridiculous question."
"Luna didn't paint over it?"
“as fast as a dog's interest in a squirrel scurrying up a tree.” I’m not sure this simile works since many dogs don’t lose interest in the squirrels they tree.
“There needs to be evidence of the event.” You might consider adding a second clause to the sentence to tell us why “there needs to be evidence.”
“roll over” I’m not sure I understand this idiom, and I don’t know whether a pun is intended. Maybe something else would be clearer?
“Instead of milk” When this phrase is followed by “sticks its head,” you imply that milk might stick its head out of a bag. It could be clearer to write, “Instead of milk sticking out of the bright green Whole Foods bag, a Pomeranian is peeking out at me.” Or something similar.
“The dog's person” It would be great to get a brief description of the person, just to ground us a little in the scene. I’m guessing the narrator would at least notice whether the person was a man or a woman, and then you wouldn’t need to use “they” in the singular sense to refer to person, since you later use “them” in the plural sense to refer to the person AND the dog when you write “There’s no time to wander up with them.”
“I cannot study Giulia Cenci's installation on the former train tracks.” I can’t figure out whether the narrator is standing near train tracks or if she’s saying she can’t view a piece of art whose subject is train tracks. I’m also not sure why the narrator has no time, considering she seems to have come to this place specifically to look at art, or how she knows so many details of the artwork she has no time to look at. It’s possible this all makes sense in context of the chapter, though!
“The mural is still there?” I’d love to see a hint at what the narrator is feeling in this moment, whether simply surprised, or touched, or anxious. (Also, I love the idea of a dog mural!)