Prose Critique #19
Use dialog beats for characterization
Welcome to Prose Critique, in which I critique an excerpt for grammar and style. Style is subjective, so my notes won’t resonate with everyone, but I hope that they’ll help writers learn how to focus their writing to convey meaning in the boldest, clearest, most interesting way possible.
In this excerpt from Servant of Empire, a fantasy novel by Thomas Theobald, the narrator speaks about the past with an old friend. My notes mostly focus on how to use dialog and description to relay character and setting details.
“My first real memory from childhood is of Hell.”1
Around me the city2 was moving. People walked by in great numbers, on their way to and from their own business. The breeze carried the smells of the sea across the streets, the local salt marshes lending their pungent aroma to the scents of food and flowers from the shops around along the street. The chair in which I sat was in a section cordoned off from the street itself, with a clear view of the various markets.
“Is that so? Was that for the coronation?” His voice, as always, was melodic and rich. My former superior officer, master of the Empire’s armies. And my friend.
“Yes,” I replied. “After emperor Sirana’s death, we were summoned to conclave. Since there was no clear succession, all the Families were in attendance.”
Balenor raised the ceramic mug to his lips and took a long drink. He nodded. “I recall, yes.3 How old were you?”
“I was four years old at the time, I think, it. It was4 the first formal event I attended. You should have seen the clothes my family fitted for me.”
“I probably saw them.” He cocked his head to one side.5 “I imagine the training was difficult for someone that age,” he said.
“Oh yes, despite it being a joyous occasion, we couldn’t afford to have any slip-ups before the King. I was drilled in proper methods of demonstrating and observing station.”
He smiled. “That was a very glorious ceremony, yes. We were planning the assaults on the Red Mountains of Kriaak at the time. I don’t remember how she died, though. Emperor Sirana, that is.”
I pointed to my plate.6 “Choked on a bone. She was over one hundred and twenty years old, after all.”7
He nodded. “Oh yes, now I remember! She was constantly lamenting8 how stupid it was to be Emperor over five worlds and to be brought low by something so trivial. She really was furious.”
Now it was my turn to smile. “Yes, humility is sometimes lacking at the rarified heights. When you have almost eight hundred million subjects and twice that many stock in slaves across the five worlds, it’s hard to imagine something like a chicken to be your downfall.”
“She recovered her composure well, though,” he said.
“I’m told she was most gracious in meeting with the nine Houses to choose a successor.” I sipped a bit of my beer.9 “I was too young to really remember it well, but my father regales me with the story from time to time. He spent an inordinate amount of time with me, telling those stories.”
Balenor’s left eyebrow raised slightly. “You are pretty far down the line, t. That10 seems unusual for the head of the House to be spending so much time with a sixth.”
“Ninth, —don’t11 forget to count my sisters. Yes, I guess he took a shine to me. We were very close when I was little.”
“Apologies, I’d forgotten to count them as well. 12Not so much now?”
I shook my head.13 “He’s way too busy, and besides, I was the sixth son, ninth child. Not the most important of the bunch.”
“Well, as I recall it was a very precise affair,” he said.
“Hell” This is such an intriguing opening line, but it’s difficult to connect it with the rest of the scene. The narrator mentions a conclave and ceremony, but he doesn’t describe any setting that would seem to remotely resemble hell. Since this is the very first page of the novel (I’m pretty sure), the reader is going to be confused.
“the city” This paragraph could be a good opportunity to signal genre. Your description of the city could be almost any city, in any time period. Since this excerpt is from a fantasy novel, it would be great to get a glimpse of something fantastical, or even something to ground us in the time period. Is this medieval fantasy?
“I recall, yes” It seems the narrator is telling Balenor something he already knows, which feels a little forced. Can the characters instead share their attitudes toward these events, as if they want to discuss how they think and feel about the conclave? That might provide a better reason for them to have this dicussion.
“I think, it was” This is a comma splice and a little hard to read since there’s also a comma earlier in the sentence. A period here might work better.
“He cocked his head to one side” Throughout the excerpt, we get very little information about Balenor. He actions during the conversation could be a chance to tell us more about what kind of person he is and what his connection to the narrator is like.
“I pointed to my plate” This would be a good opportunity to ground us in the setting. Is the character eating an entire roast chicken? BBQ wings? Is the food fancy or passable? Whatever he’s eating will tell us about the city and time period, as well as his class and manners.
“She was over one hundred and twenty years old, after all” Would he say this? Doesn’t the other character already know this information? It feels a bit forced to me. He might instead make an observation or joke about old age.
“She was constantly lamenting” Didn’t she die from choking on a bone? How is she able to complain about the way she died if she’s already dead?
“I sipped a bit of my beer” This is another chance to tell us about setting and character. What kind of beer? Does the character like it? A short phrase added to the sentence could tell us a lot.
“the line, that” This is another comma splice that would read more easily if replaced by a period.
“Ninth, don’t” This comma splice could be remedied with an em dash.
“Apologies, I’d forgotten to count them as well” This is already implied.
“I shook my head” Does the narrator have any thoughts or emotions regarding the fact that his father no longer spends as much time with him or seems to favor him? This doesn’t seem like a neutral fact. It might be helpful for us to see inside his head a little more.