Prose Critique #17
Clear away clutter to achieve a clearer effect
Welcome to Prose Critique, in which I critique an excerpt for grammar and style. Style is subjective, so my notes won’t resonate with everyone, but I hope that they’ll help writers learn how to focus their writing to convey meaning in the boldest, clearest, most interesting way possible.
In this excerpt, a librarian enjoys the attraction she feels to a screenwriter. My notes focus mostly on cutting descriptions and phrases that feel overwritten. Allowing readers to infer some of the actions or sensations of the characters creates a stronger impact.
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I don’t know if it’s the Stevie Wonder lyrics or the ringing bell on the front door, but he lifts his head and tilts it like a Coonhound as he focuses his attention on me.1 He looks like he wants another bite and he’s not sure if he’s allowed.
Yes, sir. Please do.
We stare straight at each other, and I don’t look away.2 The longer I look at him, the more heat travels throughout my body, [the more I feel]3 like I’ve been in a hot tub for two minutes too long.
I step out from behind the counter, magnetized to him, and yellow and orange balloons fly through the air like a slow motion sunset moments before the elusive green flash.4 As I approach him, my lips part in preparation to say something automatic like Are you finding everything okay? but no sound comes out. Hope engulfs me from head to toe. Sweat pools in my armpits. 5
His lips part, but he doesn’t say anything either. His already smiling face brightens into what can only be described as heartwarming sunshine mixed with inquisitive lust.6 Hell, he might as well be under a spotlight or in a halo of golden, angelic7 light the way his eyes shimmer and his presence illuminates the five feet of space around us8. The inquisitive lust doesn’t make me feel like a sexual object the way the last few guys I’ve dated have treated me made me feel.9 They wished I was the sexy librarian of their fantasies when I’m really the literary gardening type with an audiobook in my ears and dirt under my fingernails.
His eyes evaluate my surroundings—the picture window facing Square Sandwiches, the rolls of wrapping paper hung on the wall, and the shelf of ‘Staff picks.’ Plus the plethora of balloons sticking to my staticky pant legs. There’s a raw curiosity for me and my natural environment10 in his gaze. For all I know, he’s taking notes to character study me for a movie he’s writing, but I bet he can’t guess where this girl’s story is headed…11down, down, into the homeless, jobless negative character arc epilogue.12
His eyes13 land on my face again and he does a fairly obvious double take like one might do when they14 drive past their best friend in an unrecognizable vehicle, and they can’t imagine what the person is doing in someone else’s car.15 And believe it or not, call it a Hollywood plot or delusion, but I’m sure I see the same recognition of knowing hit him too. His smile says Hey!, and It’s so good to see you, and I’d totally have sex with you too all at once.
“as he focuses his attention on me.” Can this phrase be its own sentence? Otherwise readers have to imagine the lyrics, the bell on the door, the tilting head, and then realize he’s also focusing on her—it’s a lot to track in one sentence.
“and I don’t look away” The next sentence already implies this.
“heat travels throughout my body” What do you think of cutting this phrase and just implying the effect instead? “The longer I look at him, the more I feel like I’ve been in a hot tub two minutes too long.” That feels punchier to me, but it’s up to you!
This might read better as two sentences. It will be easier to follow and feel little punchier. The reader can infer the connection between the character moving and the balloons rising.
“Sweat pools in my armpits.” This might be a personal preference, but while I enjoy knowing that the character is nervous, I feel the word “armpits” kills the romantic vibe. You might consider changing the word “hope” the previous sentence to “anticipation” to infer the mixture of hope and anxiety.
“heartwarming sunshine mixed with inquisitive lust.” This is difficult to picture because we have figurative language (“sunshine”) mixed with literal language (“inquisitive lust”). Since you already use words in this paragraph like “bright” and “illuminating,” implying the effect of sunshine, you might be more literal here (“delight mixed with inquisitive lust”).
“angelic” The words “halo” and “golden” already imply “angelic,” so this starts to feel overwritten.
“the five feet of space around us” Do you mean “between us”? “Around us” is hard to picture, but “between us” seems too much distance. Does it make sense just to say “space” or is there another word that might lend a more intimate feeling?
“treated me” This sentence lacks parallelism unless we compare “feel” with “feel” instead of with “treated.”
“for me and my natural environment” What does this phrase add? Can you cut it?
A colon would work better than ellipses here.
“homeless, jobless negative character arc epilogue” Do these phrases all fit together? I’m not actually sure what a “negative character arc epilogue” is. Trying to apply the specifics of “homeless” and “jobless” to an epilogue make the sentence a little harder to parse, too.
“eyes” Change to “gaze.” Otherwise, you create a horrifying image of eyeballs ejecting from sockets.
“like one might do when they” Technically, if you use the pronoun “one” you can’t switch to “they”—you have to use “one” throughout the sentence. That creates a stuffy sentence, though (“like one might do when one drives past one’s friend”). It probably works better to say “like someone might do when they…”
The analogy about seeing a friend in an unfamiliar car feels labored. I had to read the sentence a couple of times to understand it. I think if you want to use the “Hollywood” conceit throughout this passage, and if you want it to have a stronger effect in this paragraph specifically, you’ll have to cut some of the other analogies.