Prose Critique #15
Use modifiers sparingly
Welcome to Prose Critique, in which I critique an excerpt for grammar and style. Style is subjective, so my notes won’t resonate with everyone, but I hope that they’ll help writers learn how to focus their writing to convey meaning in the boldest, clearest, most interesting way possible.
In this excerpt, Sarah prepares a dessert for her guests while a detective investigates a clue in the next room. My notes focus mostly on revising and deleting long modifiers in order to lend clarity to the sequence of events.
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Outside the kitchen window, the sun dipped below the horizon, casting long shadows that danced across the countertops like specters.1 The air was heavy with the scent of sugar and caramel, a stark contrast to the muffled sounds2 coming from just beyond the kitchen door.
Carefully arranging the pastry shells into a towering pyramid, Sarah craned her neck3 to look through the door, her heart pounding in her chest. Detective Montgomery crouched over the shirt that lay like a puddled on the floor. Fingers hovering over the shirt,4 Montgomery must have spotted the brooch.
With a trembling hand, Sarah reached for the spun sugar, delicately drizzling it over the croquembouche, each strand a fragile barrier between herself and the horrors unfolding in the next room.5 She prayed that her guests would be none the wiser, that they would be too enchanted by the dessert to notice the detective.
Setting down the fork, 6Sarah carried the tray of pastries to the table. “I hope this makes up for the disaster earlier,” she said.
"Sarah, this is absolutely stunning!" Olivia exclaimed. “It's like something out of a magazine.”
Muffled murmurs of approval filled the room as Olivia and the others savored the creamy custard and crisp pastry, their taste buds tingling7 with the perfect balance of sweetness and texture.
In the next room8, Montgomery gave a low grunt of surprise. Sarah knew what the sound meant: the detective must have realized the symbol on the brooch was a phoenix.
Passed down through generations, 9a phoenix was a usually a symbol of rebirth, but for Sarah’s family, it meant resilience and renewal. The dancing flames had even been part of the bakery’s logo, etched in crimson and gold etchings. The phoenix itself had not been included in the logo, but everyone in town knew the mythical bird had special meaning for Sarah.
"Outside the kitchen window… liked specters” Is there another way to fit in the word specter, to maintain the mood you’re going for? Shadows and specters seem too similar to use together in a simile.
“a stark contrast to the muffled sounds” It’s a little confusing to say that a smell contrasts with sounds.
“Carefully arranging the pastry shells into a towering pyramid, Sarah craned her neck” This construction implies that Sarah simultaneously arranges pastries and cranes her neck, which seems impossible. It might work better as two sentences.
“Fingers hovering over the shirt” This modifier feels awkward. It would work well as its own sentence: “Montgomery’s fingers hovered over the shirt. She must have spotted the brooch.”
“each strand a fragile barrier between herself and the horrors unfolding in the next room” I love the idea of using the word “fragile” to add tension. Instead of pushing into high drama here, it might work better to create a more subdued image that allows the word “fragile” to pull all the focus.
“Setting down the fork” Sarah probably isn’t setting down the fork and carrying the plate of pastries, right? I think you can cut the opening phrase.
“their taste buds tingling” Because the rest of the scene closely follows Sarah’s POV, this phrase implies that Sarah can observe their taste buds tingling. Is there another way to convey the flavor to the reader?
“In the next room” This phrase makes it seem like Sarah is switching locations or the narration is switching to a different POV. Instead, you could say something like, “From the next room came Montgomery’s low grunt of surprise.”
“Passed down through generations” This phrase technically applies to the word that follows it (“phoenix”) but it’s the symbol of the phoenix that has been passed down through generations, not a phoenix itself. You might move this phrase to another sentence or delete it.