Prose Critique #12
Break up dialog with narration that reveals motivations
Welcome to Prose Critique, in which I critique an excerpt for grammar and style. Style is subjective, so my notes won’t resonate with everyone, but I hope that they’ll help writers learn how to focus their writing to convey meaning in the boldest, clearest, most interesting way possible.
In this excerpt, Astrid and Sawyer discuss their difficult pasts while locked together in a prison cell. My comments mostly focus on adding narration between dialog blocks that help readers gain insight into why the characters say what they do. In a scene full of personal revelations, descriptions of emotions and of the setting can help readers connect to characters who are at their most vulnerable.
The air was pulled from her lungs as she remembered why they were here. Sawyer planned on handing her over and collecting the bounty. Then the Kairos crew would leave her behind on their next adventure and never think of her again.
She couldn’t blame him, she was using him too.1 As long as the crew believed she was the princess they could get her as far from Earth as possible, from there she could disappear.2
“All I ever wanted was to escape from the world I grew up in. I always felt that I didn’t belong. All the rules and expectations, who I was expected to become, warred with who I wanted to be. I wanted to be my own person, to step out of my father’s shadow.” Sawyer stared into the fire.3 “Funny thing, since I left there is nothing I want more than to prove I belong. I tried so hard to get out and now all I want is to show I’m good enough to get back in.”
The years he had imagined escaping from his family are the same years she had been trying desperately to find hers.4
“I thought all of the mysteries of my life were just a challenge to solve and at the end my family would be standing there to welcome me home,” Astrid swallowed, the words bitter in her throat.5 “I had the ridiculous idea that if I had to do was prove myself worthy,” a weight lifted from her shoulders. 6
“But I’m a thief, picking pockets, taking advantage of others…. How can I possibly bring an entire Empire together when I can’t even get my own life together? When I put the lives of others at risk to protect my own?” her Her voice cracked as the words poured out of her.7
Sawyer moved closer, his shoulder brushing her own, sending a spark of electricity right to her heart. “You’re a survivor. You did what you had to. You’re exactly what the Empire needs, you don’t see the Universe for what it is, but what it could be. You see the wonder and the bright spots, you’re a dreamer.8”
Sawyer brushed the hair from her eyes. She held her breath, waiting, scared to break the spell.9
He moved hesitantly towards her, not breaking eye contact. Waiting for any sign that he should stop. His hand moved to cradle her cheek, the warmth of his breath sending prickles down her neck.10
With a bang, the gate to their prison gave way as Embry stormed in. Sawyer and Astrid jumped apart.
“Get up, Suna has started.”
Bexley and Elian sprung up making Astrid doubted they had been sleeping at all.11
Something Sawyer said was bothering her. “Why would you need to prove yourself to go back to your family? Wouldn’t they be happy to have you?”
Pain filled his eyes and Astrid immediately regretted the question. Sawyer was quiet for so long she didn’t think he would answer.
“My family will never welcome me back because….” he He struggled as (if) the words brought him physical pain. “Because I killed my mother.”12
“She couldn’t blame him, she was using him too.” This is a comma splice, two complete sentences jammed together with a comma. It might work better to replace the comma with a dash.
“…as far from Earth as possible, from there she could disappear.” This is another comma splice. I would replace the comma with a period so that the idea of disappearing stands alone and holds a little more weight.
“Sawyer stared into the fire.” With such a long block of dialog, we lose track of the characters. Adding more description of Sawyer’s body language or voice would tell us how he’s feeling in this moment and help us understand why he’s willing to bare his soul in this way. It’s generally rare for people to share their feelings in such a straightforward manner, so it would be interesting to know more about his motivations or emotions.
“The years he had imagined escaping from his family are the same years she had been trying desperately to find hers.” It’s great to see this juxtaposition of their experiences. But we don’t learn how Astrid feels about what Sawyer has just revealed. Does she feel sorry for him? Bitter toward him? Does she want to comfort him? Challenge him?
“Astrid swallowed, the words bitter in her throat.” Since this is a complete sentence, and an action, it can’t serve as a dialog tag. I would change the preceding comma into a period. Also, the way this sentence is constructed makes it seem like “swallowing” is happening at the same time as the words are already in her throat. It might make more sense to say, “The words tasted bitter. Astrid swallowed.” Or something similar?
“a weight lifted from her shoulders.” See the note above for why this can’t serve as a dialog tag. It works better as its own sentence. Also, this phrase signals to the reader a change in emotion, but it feels like a shortcut. Why does Astrid feel better after admitting her idea was ridiculous? It would be great to get more insight into Astrid’s realization, and that might also help the reader understand why Astrid responds to Sawyer’s long admission with one of her own instead of responding directly to what he has just said.
“Her voice cracked as the words poured out of her.” Astrid has just made a difficult admission of her own weakness, but it’s not clear why she has done so. It might help to add either interior monologue or description of the characters’ physical closeness so that the reader understands why Astrid is willing to be so honest and vulnerable.
“you’re a dreamer.” This is also a comma splice. It would work well as its own sentence.
“She held her breath, waiting, scared to break the spell.” This sentence helps the reader understand that there is a romantic attraction here, but it doesn’t give insight into how Astrid feels about Sawyer’s encouragement. Does she take his words to heart, reject them, or doubt them? Is she thrilled by the way he sees her, or does she push back against his positivity?
“sending prickles down her neck.” This sentence construction makes the reader feel that two things are happening at once (his hand moving, and his breath “sending prickles”). Technically, that works, but each action would have more impact if they were separated: “His hand moved to cradle her cheek, and the warmth of his breath [as he drew near] sent prickles down her neck.”
“making Astrid doubt they had been sleeping at all.” Starting this clause with “making” sounds a bit awkward. Does it work better to say “which made” instead?
“Because I killed my mother.” What a great reveal! In the larger context of the story, this probably lends a lot of insight into Sawyer as a character. But why is he willing to reveal something so shocking (and likely shameful) in this moment? Breaking up these dialog blocks with more narration could help readers understand Sawyer and Astrid’s directness with each other. For example, descriptions of the setting that paint their situation as grim and hopeless might help the reader feel that these characters want to clear their consciences before they die at the hands of their jailers. On the other hand, descriptions of the setting as dark and concealing might tell the reader that both characters feel a sense of anonymity that allows them to admit things they never would in daylight. Descriptions of their emotions might help the reader understand that their affection for each other has made them feel comfortable being vulnerable. A lot of other options for types of descriptions could work here as well.