How To Get Along With Other Writers

Rules of engagement

Getting along with other writers can be tricky—even writers you have lovely friendships with. I’ve spent a lot of time considering why this is, and I’ve come up with three negative features of dynamics between writers:

• envy

• power imbalances

• scarcity

But all of these tensions are really the result of one major feature of publishing. In today’s post I’ll briefly discuss these challenges and where they stem from. Then, I’ll present my rules for interacting with other writers.

Envy

The stakes of publishing feel perhaps higher than they are. While the reality is that most books will be forgotten mere months after they are published (sob), others will circulate through the culture for years or decades.

The winners of the cultural lottery are often arbitrary. I have several friends who have served on award committees, and more than one has admitted to me that it’s nearly impossible to choose a single book to win an award. The decision often comes down to factors other than quality; usually, it comes down to which book represents an issue that the current award committee feels is important.

Sometimes books enter our cultural conversations simply because they explore the right subject at the right time, or go viral on social media, or for some other reason, even one that no writer could possibly predict. Writers can’t rely on hard work and skill alone to succeed. Much of success has to do with preparation, but much of it has to do with luck.

With such uneven stakes, and so little control, writers are prone to envy. And envy kills meaningful interaction.

Power Imbalances

I used to work with an agent who was permanently closed to queries, which meant one of the few ways a writer could query her was to get a referral from one of her current clients. This put my acquaintances in the difficult position of having to ask me for a referral. I’ve had to ask for the same from other writers during my search for an agent. It’s weird asking a friend or acquaintance for something on which your career hangs; you go from being friends on equal footing to suddenly feeling an (albeit temporary) power imbalance.

I’ve also had to ask other writers for blurbs and reviews, and I’ve been asked for the same. Once, I asked a friend for a blurb and she told me to please go through her agent, which I assume was her way of creating a buffer in case she read my book and decided she didn’t like it enough to blurb it. It’s weird to have to turn down a friend for a blurb (which I do when I’m just too burned out to offer one), and it’s weird to be turned down for one (even if your friend tries to tell you it’s not about the quality of your book).

It can be difficult to relax around other writers when you know there may come a day one of you will have the power to impact the other’s career.

Scarcity

It’s not exactly true to say that writers are in competition with each other; one breakout novel can fuel sales for an entire genre or category. But it is painfully true that there is not enough to go around in the publishing industry—not enough marketing dollars, not enough reader attention, not enough spots on the bestseller list, not enough awards.

Once, I spent an inordinate amount of time preparing a very detailed application for a speaking gig, because I wanted to prove I had the experience and knowledge to do the job well. When I checked in with the organization months later, they told me they hadn’t even reviewed my application; instead, they had cold queried another writer to ask her to take the role. A week later, I was hanging out with some writers when one of them mentioned that an organization had contacted her out of the blue to offer her a speaking gig; she had no idea what to speak about but had accepted the job. It was the same gig I had applied for.

I have no doubt that she went on to do a great job, but it cemented for me the idea that just because you deserve something—just because you have the skills for it and work hard for it—doesn’t mean you’ll get it, or that you’re entitled to it. (An organization can choose any speaker they want! An awards committee can choose to give an award for any reason that pleases them!) There’s only so much to go around, and the resources are often given out haphazardly.

When you know you will likely feast while another writer goes without—or vice versa—it’s hard to sit comfortably at the same table.

The Root of the Problem

Envy, power imbalances, and scarcity all stem from the same place: publishing is full of vicissitudes that leave writers permanently and deeply insecure. (I don’t have it in me to go into why or how the publishing industry is unpredictable, but if you doubt me, please read the thousands of think-pieces on this topic.) Interactions with other writers engage these insecurities. So the best bet for getting along with other writers is to carefully navigate around their insecurities and your own.

My Rules Of Engagement

My rules for getting along with other writers operate from this assumption: Creativity is a valuable gift that supersedes the gifts of money, praise, status, and success. What you do with your creativity is up to you, but it isn’t made more or less valuable because of the money, praise, status, or success it brings you. The job of a writer isn’t to earn any of these things; it’s to honor the gift.

These are the rules I follow that help me get along with other writers (ymmv):

Make Yourself Neither An Object Of Pity Nor One Of Praise

After a stretch of time during which I had often bemoaned my struggling publishing career to an acquaintance, I presented her with some good news: I had a new book contract. Immediately, I saw her gaze deaden. She was confused. More than that, she was unhappy. Until that moment, her insecurities had been soothed by hearing about my career downturn; now, her insecurities were forced to surface again.

Writers tend to vacillate between measuring their success by comparing themselves to their most-successful friends and measuring it by comparing themselves to their least-successful friends. It’s very unhealthy, but it’s difficult to avoid because publishing a novel is such a varied experience, one that writers crave context for. When you set yourself up as an object of pity, other writers will have a hard time accepting your moments of success.

The truth is that no matter what’s happening in your life as a writer, your value doesn’t change. You hold an incredible gift—that of creativity. Any downturns you experience while writing or publishing must be put into context against that gift. Share you struggles with your closest writer friends, those who will encourage you and root for you during both your valleys and your peaks. But don’t fall into the trap of considering yourself (or portraying yourself as) only pitiable.

Likewise, there’s a reason everyone has only one birthday a year. Not because you were born only once (okay, yes, that is the reason) but because no one wants to celebrate you constantly. You are not a god; you do not subsist on praise. Let your closest writer friends celebrate your wins with you, but don’t tax their goodwill with a frequent laundry list of successes that you use to keep your own doubts at bay.

Beware The Favor

I was once introduced to a writer who quickly let me know she would be happy to help promote my books. My gut told me something was a little strange about this introduction, so I didn’t take her up on her offer. A few months later, I noticed she had posted on social media about how some writers are really awful because they don’t support her when she asks for help promoting her book. I saw the true nature of the situation: she wasn’t interested in a friendship. She wanted to do favors for me so that I would feel obligated to do favors for her in return.

I’ve occasionally noticed this with other writers as well—they’re oddly over-generous from the moment they meet me. And it’s because they want to obligate me to help them.

It’s one thing to engage in a clear exchange of favors with another writer (“I’ll comment on all of your social media posts if you comment on all of mine.”). It’s another thing to try to guilt someone into a contract they didn’t know they were entering.

Avoid this trap. Don’t accept a favor you don’t intend to repay.

On the flip side of this situation, I’ve done favors for other writers while telling myself that they would surely repay me some day. I have run around town on errands, promoted things on social media, passed along rare info about a book-related scandal—all the while thinking that these authors would decide to repay the favor one day. They didn’t. I shouldn’t have expected reciprocity that I hadn’t asked for.

Don’t perform a favor with the expectation of repayment. Be generous or be up front about your need for repayment.

Check Social Media Seldom

More than once I’ve gone online and changed my opinion of a friend (needlessly). Friends I thought wise or compassionate or sensitive posted opinions I found misguided or even offensive. Not because these friends are bad people, but because these friends can’t possibly share every one of my opinions. People are meant to have differing opinions, but friends are wise enough not to shout those opinions at each other over coffee. The nature of the internet is that when you view social media, you feel as if your friend is shouting an opinion at you that might go against your own values.

When your writer friends are with you in person, you get the part of them that best fits with a part of you. When you see your writer friends online, you see the parts of them that don’t work for your friendship. You see the opinions they are careful not to harp on when they’re with you (because they know you don’t share those opinions). You see the fun activities you weren’t meant to join in on (because it’s not your turn, or you live too far away, etc.). You see them extol their successes at the exact moment you’re feeling too down to celebrate with them (successes they would have been careful to share with you at a time you weren’t feeling low). View their posts sparingly.

Limit Time With Writers Who Make Comparisons

“My publisher is doing xyz for me? Does yours do that for you?”

“Your agent does x? Mine is too successful to need to do that.”

“That’s how you write? I would never approach a story that way.”

Some comparisons are harmless. Some are helpful, in that they open your eyes to something your publisher or agent or publicist, etc, should be doing for you that you weren’t aware of.

But comparisons usually lead to competition, and competition kills friendships. Spend time with writers who want to compare notes, not careers.

Reject All Flattery

Publishing companies may value writers according to the money and awards they bring in, but you shouldn’t seek to profit from your fellow creatives. You are not a dollar sign; neither is anyone else. Therefore, you have no need to flatter another writer, nor to accept flattery, since these acts are meant only to increase your own status. All writers are equal in that they have the same goal: not to honor themselves but to honor the gift of creativity. You are neither above nor beneath any other writer.

Give and accept compliments with grace, but don’t give or invite flattery from other writers.

Leave Your Writing Cave

It’s easy for writers (especially introverted ones, of which there are very many) to treat their wordcount like an idol. The deadline becomes a devil’s bargain: your work will win you money but cost you friendship.

Refuse the bargain and emerge into the sunlight. Your friends are waiting to support you. Be honest with yourself and your friends about stretches of time when you need to focus on your wordcount. But also be generous about encouraging your writer friends, giving them feedback on their work, and sharing your highs and lows with them. Your manuscript is not so important that you can use it as an excuse to starve your friends of your presence for many months at a time.

Consider The Group Chat Public

I bet you’ve taken a screenshot of someone’s post in a private group chat. I know I have. Your Discord channel or private message board or whatever might seem private, but screenshots null all privacy. Assume that anything you post in the group chat will soon be shared widely. Reserve private conversations for smaller settings.

Those are my rules! They are designed to keep me from falling victim to the insecurities of writers who are otherwise generally nice people, and to keep myself from unloading my securities onto them. Please be chill in the comments, especially if your experience in the industry is thus far minimal. If you have a rule to share or comment on, I’d love to consider revising my list.